Ron Buckmire
CSP 19: Gay Rights in the Era of Obama and Google
December 13, 2010
Word Count: 1,774
A Little of a Whole
When I look at myself, I see three things: Female, Asian, and shortness. Ever since I was young, I had never really taken the time to look at myself and evaluate who I am. I have always subconsciously allowed myself to believe I was part of socially constructed categories and allowed myself to believe that I fell into the general outlines of that category. It was not until I began to mature that I realized how much I really do not belong to one group. I realized that I fit into multiple subcategories such as being Muslim, growing up being Taiwanese, and growing up in society with a very “elite” mentality really reinforced that belief. My religion, background, and how I fit into society is the most important part of my life; my relatives, traveling around the world, and home life, has helped me realize how I am a person of mixed culture and that it is purely impossible to have one salient part of my identity, rather multiple that encompass who I am as a person.
Everything seems to come in perspective when I find myself in a situation out of the ordinary. Last February, my grandfather decided to visit from Malaysia. It had been two whole years since I had seen him last and that length of time had really made me forget how different my home lifestyle had varied from my grandparents’ back in Malaysia. As my grandfather walked through the door to my home, he gently grabbed my hands and said, “Asalaam 'alaykum,” which means “Peace be onto You” in Arabic. As the week progressed I began to remember exactly how Muslim my grandfather was and how much his religion meant to him. Every day he would practice, Salaat, the act of worship that is required five times daily. I would see my grandpa sitting in a corner of the room praying. Though unusual to me, it intrigued me. When we went out to meals, my grandfather would be very specific to ask for a meal with no pork. And though I admit it became a bit flustering, I realized how dedicated my grandfather was to being Muslim and how important of a role it played in his life. That week my lifestyle had changed drastically, but it made me realize that the religion my grandfather had been so committed to, also played a significant role in my life and who I was. I realized that though I did not actively participate in every ritual that Muslims participate in, it still was part of my background. My ancestors had practiced Islam and without them, I would not exist. Because I live in a society where being Muslim is not so common, having my grandfather around really brought out how much of an important of a role religion is in my life. Acts like abstaining from eating pork always seemed like an average household tradition, until my grandfather visited and made it apparent as to how important it really is to avoid eating pork. It was part of my background and was a part of what made me who I was. It was sort of like “The new mestiza” that “copes by developing a tolerance for contradictions, a tolerance for ambiguity.” (Anzaldua 79) Having my grandfather around really demonstrated that though I am in a society where Islam is not common, does not mean I cannot participate in the culture that makes up a large whole of my life. I would have to learn to be a Muslim in American culture where it was not as common.
Living in America my whole life, has always made me unaware of what truly lies behind the borders. It was not until I lived in Taiwan for a summer that I truly realized that I was not like everyone in the United States. Everyone around me had black hair in Taiwan. It was an unusual experience for me considering most of my friends back home all had different hair colors. Being in Taiwan had made me feel like some sort of hybrid. Though I felt so at home in America, I felt as though I physically belonged in Taiwan. It was like “La Mestiza [which] is a product of the transfer of the cultural and spiritual values of one group to another.” (Anzaldua, 78) I felt like I belonged there, but my culture was completely different. Not only were the physical appearances of the people around me different, but also when walking around Taiwan, the locals would constantly approach me after hearing me speak Chinese. “Are you American?” they would always say in Chinese. In order to eliminate confusion, I would respond with a mere yes in English. At home, my friends would always refer to me as “Chinese” or “asian” but in Taiwan, people would refer to me as “American”. Travelling to Taiwan reinforced the belief that “races are categories of difference which exist only in society.” (Delgado 199) Situations like these make me realize just how much I fit into different societies in different ways and that it is purely impossible for there to be one salient part of my identity. I will always be connected some way to a culture but not always fully.
Very similarly to what Jordan Jordan mentions in her paper “With regards to how other people attempt to recognize and respond to my race, the color of my skin has often raised assumptions about me that are untrue, causing a disconnect between myself and the person judging me.” (Jordan) people in America often look at me and just assume I am just “Asian” and place negative sterotypes around who I am. I have heard many people assume I am a math genius, and I have heard people say I must be a terrible driver. Though I may not be excellent at math, I consider myself to be a pretty good driver. I am capable of distinguishing myself from the different stereotypes placed around my race. I have also stumbled upon a similar issue to what Jordan mentions in her essay where “I have been asked countless times “what are you?”, a question that I found quite confusing as a child primarily because of its vagueness. Now that I am older, I can definitively say that I am not a "what," but a "who" and I wish more people could see that.” (Jordan). There have been countless times when people have asked “what Asian are you?” Similar to most people in the world it is almost impossible to define yourself solely as one race. Because my dad is from Malaysia with descendents from China, and my mom is from Taiwan who grew up in Brazil and considers herself a Brazilian because she relates to their culture more, I find it unfair to call myself just “Chinese” or just “Taiwanese.” Instead, I value myself as more than just either one of those. I value myself as all of my backgrounds as a collective.
Not only did my realization of difference occur outside of those around me, but at home as well. Growing up, I had many privileged friends. Most of them belonged to very elite athletic clubs and organizations. It never occurred to me that most of the clubs had consisted of predominately Caucasians. Whenever I entered a club I would always feel as though I was a bit out of place. I would always notice that I stood out as a minority, and when I walked around, I attracted odd looks and stares. In order to enter one of these clubs, you needed to be a member, or you needed to be escorted by someone who belonged to the club, along with paying a “guest fee” of fifteen dollars. During my high school graduation, one of my best friends celebrated a graduation from a club known as NCL “National Charity League.” This club was comprised of mothers and daughters nationally who went out and did various philanthropic activities. However, when browsing through the organization’s webpage I was not shocked to find that most of the members were aristocratic Caucasian women who had been members for generations. It also did not surprise me that in order to be a member you had to be “selected” by a panel of women. Organizations and clubs like these truly make me question whether or not it is possible for people to be capable of belonging to any category. Clubs like these made me realize how society allows itself to create categories and it allows itself to socially construct racial separations. “The future depends on the breaking down of paradigms, it depends on the straddling of two or more cultures” (Anzaldua, 80) and clubs like those reinforce the boundaries of race that societies have created, and because of that, the society will never evolve. Being around people who belong to these elite clubs makes me realize that though I am not an upper class Caucasian, I am part of a society that conforms to that culture. I hangout in a society that attends elite clubs, however, I am capable of distinguishing my differences. And that being in that society is not the prominent part of my identity, but it does however hold a small place in my identity.
Overall, I realize that I do not completely belong to any category, and I believe that is impossible. However, I know I belong to a little bit of a lot of them. The most salient part of myself is my multicultural background and my ability to strongly adhere to each individual part of my background that makes the whole. After all my encounters with different experiences involving my background, I realize that my identity encompasses bits of all of my experiences and all of the culture that I am surrounded by and that I am not solely bound to one category. When I look at myself now, I am a five foot four, Female, Muslim, whose parents come from a broad range of backgrounds, who hangouts with a diverse group of people, who is capable of accepting the broad list of characteristics that define my identity.
Works Cited
1. Anzaldua, Gloria E., 2003. “La Conciencia de la Mestiza: Towards a New Consciousness”, pp. 78, 80 in Feminist Theory Reader: Local in Global Perspectives. Eds. Carole R. McCann and Seung-Kyung Kim. Routledge: New York
2. Delgado, Richard, and Ian F. Haney Lopez. Critical Race Theory: the Cutting Edge. Philadelphia: Temple UP, 2000. Print.
3. Jordan, Jordan. Getting Past the External.
